The red pill or the blue one?

I take quite a few pills to deal with the pain caused by nerve damage. Pretty sure I rattle as I walk down the road. They don’t actually work so just trying to power through it nowadays. Problem is I don’t really remember when I run out of them cos kinda feel I take them for no good reason. Just feels like taking pills for the sake of taking pills.

That’d be fine except they also act as antidepressants as well. As a result think my brain chemistry is totally messed up. No point taking them for pain anymore but every time I run out them it becomes clear I need to take them for the other thing!

I’ve gone through 4 days feeling like I’m a breath of air away from crying! It’s surreal, not watching anything sad, not thinking of anything sad, not even getting down about my life. There’s just no reason for it. Have I become dependent on them? I wouldn’t recommend suddenly stopping tablets you’re prescribed I just struggle to remember when they’re gonna run out!

I look for the funny in everything, even in things I probably shouldn’t. So why does my body need a pill to balance the chemicals out? I really should have super powers or at least be psychic by now.

It’s ok if I need pills for the rest of my life. Kinda used to that idea these days but if I could get by with as few as possible then that’d be great. Until they make one pill though I’ll put up with being a human rattle. Maybe record that on my next song instead of drums!


A restful break?

Just got back in from a family camping trip up at Loch Lomond. Stunning scenery and we were actually very lucky with the weather.

I did as little as possible! Had to leave them to set up the tents and the beds, cook the food and head back to the car if I needed something. It’s great that I can just sit back and watch them but at the same time it frustrates the hell out of me!

My contribution was leaning against the wooden frame of the swings, putting as little weight as I could through my legs, and pushing my youngest niece with 2 pushes and then a 5 minute break till the next push! I know both of my nieces realise I’m not gonna be able to do much when it comes to activities but no one ever makes me feel bad about the little I can do, and the girls appreciate the fact that I will do whatever I can, even themselves prompting me to take a break in the seat for a while. 2 very smart and very caring girls. 

Getting into bed was interesting. We’d bought an airbed so that I wasn’t having to go right down to the ground. Still needed to get a little help getting in and out but we managed it.

And of course it wouldn’t be Scotland without our answer to mosquitos. Midges! I had the interesting case of trying to tell the difference between a midge bit, and pain caused by nerve damage. Now that I’m home and showered it turns out that what I thought was nerve damage was a bite, and what I thought was a bite was nerve damage. It was a fun game to play though!

So I’m on the couch and I’m not moving! Even if these high winds take my roof off, I’m staying on my couch! I had a great time spending it with my family! We spent most of our nights telling stories and laughing our heads off, so the other campers are probably glad to see the back of us.

When you have MS you know you are going to pay a price for what you’ve been doing physically, but I will always be willing to pay that price if it means spending time with those closest to me!

A downer turns to an upper

Had to take a week off from this cos my mood plummeted way down after hospital appointment last Tuesday!

Neuropathic pain has been a problem for nearly 13 years but when medication stopped working 5 years ago it became all-consuming. So been switching between medicines over the years to find something that works, and at my last appointment I just crumbled and broke down in tears in the doctors office! The refusal of the motability part of PIP, my car going back to dealership, the loss of my job and the 4 walls of my home becoming my prison cell completely hacked away at the wall between my emotions and my MS.

So kinda lost focus in the last week, but with my beautiful nieces staying at mine now for a few days, I’m definitely keeping the despair away. Their laughter just brings a smile to my face and is just the medicine I needed! It’s hard not to smile when they’re playing “cats” with their auntie and I hear the sounds of Meowing. Total nutters but wouldn’t change a thing about them!